What Your Favorite Talk Show Says About You
"DAVID LETTERMAN"- You're full of spirited fun.
"Smart and savvy, Letterman's the kind of host who embraces good-hearted, clever humor," says Thompson. If he floats your boat, chances are you're a lot like him! Your wry, fresh sense of humor makes others wonder how you come up with such witty comments, and means you never lack for friends."
"CONAN O'BRIEN"- You're confident!
"Friendly, outgoing Conan took this job without any real experience-- and yet, he's made a success of it!" says Thompson. If you admire his genial confidence, chances are you're open to trying new things. People are drawn to your bouncy wit and flair for conversation-- your confidence is contagious! Whether you're chamring the boss or buying a new car, you do it with a zest that means you're on your way to the top!"
"BILL MAHER"- You're Responsible!
"Bill Maher's witty talk show isn't the kind you have on in the back-ground: the wry barbs and clever jokes come so quickly, they demand total attention--so viewers tend to be focused and reliable," says Thompson. Your grown-up sense of responsibility means you're the person friends know they can always count on: you stick to every commitment you make. But does this mean you never have fun? Not at all! When the work is done, you know how to party.
"JAY LENO"- You're A Happy Traditionalist!
Remember falling asleep as a kid to your parents watching Johnny Carson? Well, if you're a Jay Leno fan today, you're following happily in their footsteps! "Tradition is what's important to you," says Thompson. "Like Jay, you couldn't be happier with the way things are--and were." Because you cherish your past, you model your present on it: you raise your kids with old-fashioned virtues, and you enjoy simple pleasures, like spending time with family and friends. Your values help you stay content in today's anything-goes world!
Stephen Wright sayings:
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room temperature.
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Doing a little work around the house, I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall,just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say,'Go ahead, touch it... It feels real'.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
I filled out an application that said, 'In Case Of Emergency Notify...' I wrote 'Doctor'... What's my mother going to do?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'Help Wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'Self Service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
A POEM FOR BIN LADEN
Osama Bin Laden, your time is short;
We'd rather you die, than come to court.
Why are you hiding if it was in God's name?
Your just a punk with a turban; a pathetic shame.
I have a question, about your theory and laws;
"How come YOU never die for the cause?"
Is it because you're a coward who counts on others?
Well here in America, we stand by our brothers
As is usual, you failed in your mission;
If you expected pure chaos, you can keep on wishin'
Americans are now focused and stronger than ever;
Your death has become our next endeavor.
What you tried to kill, doesn't live in our walls;
It's not in buildings or shopping malls.
If all of our structures came crashing down;
It would still be there, safe and sound.
Because pride and courage can't be destroyed;
Even if the towers leave a deep void.
We'll band together and fill the holes
We'll bury our dead and bless their souls.
But then our energy will focus on you;
And you'll feel the wrath of the Red, White and Blue.
So slither and hide like a snake in the grass;
Because America's coming to kick your ass!!!
A POEM FOR OSAMA BIN LADEN
- by Jesse
Your cave is clean, your cave is nice,
There aint no rats, there aint no mice
The only pets youve got are bugs,
Which live in your beard and this really sucks!