After a six month build up,
Dr. Phil finally paid a house call to the LATE SHOW Monday night.
But if Dave was really looking for true words of enlightenment,
he should have waited for Tuesday's appearance of Double Down
Trent (the SWINGERS alter ego of actor Vince Vaughn).
DAVE IS SO MONEY, BABY
As battles went, I think you could call
this one a draw. I really enjoyed seeing Phil McGraw make his
belated appearance with Dave. I feel both men composed themselves
with intelligence and good humor. But rabble rouser that I am, I
was just expecting more fireworks.
I used to love John Belushi on SNL's Weekend Update. He'd appear
doing one of his commentaries, pieces that started out on a calm
and reasoned note and then rapidly degenerate into a mad
tirade-ultimately culminating with Belushi clutching his chest,
twirling off his chair, and vanishing behind the Update desk. I
guess I wanted something like that to happen on the LATE SHOW.
To be honest, I've only seen Dr. Phil's show a couple of times.
So I can't speak with any real authority regarding his so-called
'bedside manner' or about his ability to run a show. And I must
say I do have a certain bias. Ever since the movie REPO MAN, I've
been followed by the odd "Plate O' Shrimp" phenomena,
which is a study in small blots of the daily miraculous.
"You know how you're thinking about a Plate O' Shrimp, then
someones says "Plate O' Shrimp" and then you see a sign
that says: Plate O' Shrimp?" sayeth the Repo Man. Dr. Phil
McGraw, dear readers, is my personal Plate O' Shrimp.
It seems like everytime I go into a grocery store, I see Dr.
Phil. He's the guy who sacks my groceries and makes certain the
carton of eggs is at the bottom. He's the dude at the local
Costco who rolls his eyes when I buy that extra large box of
condoms. I'm sorry, he just has that kind of face.
For that reason and that reason alone, I really wanted Dave to
rip him a new one.
But I noticed in the nights leading up to the good doctor's
appearance, Dave's mood softened. Instead of calling the former
Mr. Oprah: "a hump," "a quack," or some
"evil genius," Dave seemed much more sanguine. It was
almost heartbreaking. It seemed like he wanted someone to 'fix'
him, to somehow find a cure for his essential 'Daveness.' And the
scary thing was that he thought Dr. Phil was the right man for
the job.
I'll give you this. Phil's good but he ain't no miracle worker. I
don't think anyone would disagree with his diagnosis of the big
guy. It took the doctor fifteen to twenty seconds to diagnose
Letterman as a) a neurotic and b) a psychotic. Estimated fixin'
time: fifteen to twenty years. That sounds about right. But as
much as I agree with his findings, I think Dr. Phil is the wrong
man for the job.
My favorite movie of all time is SWINGERS. It's one of my few
pleasures that I don't have to assigned the adjective
'guilty' to do it justice. It features perhaps the quintessential
Vince Vaughn performance as noted 'wing' man, Double Down Trent.
I can see definite similarities between our man Dave and Jon
Favreau's Mikey. They're both professional comedians (albeit Dave
is, of course, more successful), they're both the 'real deal' in
an industry full of posers. Most importantly, they're both
"money" yet they don't know it.
As Johnny Carson got older, he took on the role of a trusted
member of the family. This could easily be death for a comedian
but Johnny was too classy and modest not to handle it with grace.
Dave is like every family's crazy uncle. A little loud,
a little aloof but the favorite of kids and dogs. Somehow, it
suits him.
My favorite quote from SWINGERS comes from a rant by Trent
towards his neurotic bud, Mikey:
"I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie
everyone's REALLY hoping make it happen. I want you to be like
the guy in the rated "R" movie, you know? The guy
you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure
where he's coming from. Okay? You're a bad man. A very bad
man."
Now Dave's definitely not a bad man. But at his best, he's a
puzzle disguised as an enigma wrapped up in a big honking sack of
nutsy. Mental health be damned. I hope Dave many more years of
neuroses. Nobody does 'cranky, moody, antisociaI misanthrope'
with more dedication and attention to detail than Letterman. And
to be perfectly honest, I don't think he'd have it any other way.
